Where Do You Think?
Little Johnny is walking down the street leading the giraffe. A cop stops him and says, "Kid, where you going?"
Little Johnny says, "I'm taking this giraffe to get mated."
The cop asks, "Where?"
Johnny lifts up the giraffe's tail, points to her snatch, and says, "Right there."
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man."
Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has granny got a shrimp between her legs?"
"Don't be silly, granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.
But little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.
With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"
Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on. Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he shouts "See a little shrimp!"
His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "Ok Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris".
"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp........"
"This and That"
- A girl married a quiet, humble man and after one week, he came home rather flustered. "When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my penis."
"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least you could write."
- Men know..... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.
- Men know..... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
- Men know..... that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
"The Mitzvah" [Doing A Good Deed]
A very good and pious Jewish, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time .....nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than G-d, only the angels have no sins.
I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home.
Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done.
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to doc your salary, or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take a 'or what'.
So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, ......"So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Is This Your Final Answer?
The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."
"Jill and Mary"
Jill: One of the biggest fights my ex and I ever had was over crossword puzzles.
Mary: Crossword puzzles?
Jill: Yeah. he wanted me to stop doing them while we were having sex.
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised
The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
A Lesson Learned Maybe?
An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up, that I sleep by myself. I wish she was dead."
The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It wasn't an offense, after all.
So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work. But when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.
"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right."